Top 10 reasons why being a vampire sux.

I’ve had a really screwed up schedule the last couple weeks due to the holidays and my ridiculously long break from real work. This, coupled with my natural tendency towards being nocturnal, has brought to my attention several overlooked points that all those fan-girls gushing over the trendy new vampire series may want to read. Here, listed in order of importance (1 being very high) is my list of why you may want to reconsider your association with vampirism.

10. A “Good Person” vampire is unattractive (and also not feasible).

Unless a vampire steals, sucks living blood, and sleeps in dirt every day they end up like that crusty old man who works in the back of the twenty-four hour McDonald’s during the night shift. Sure, they get to live until someone stabs them through the heart with a stake, chops off their head, and stuffs garlic in their mouth; but if they are “being good” they are just your average loser who has to work to pay for food, clothing, and rent. From what I’ve gathered non-human blood leaves them weak and depleted, so after 50 plus years they begin to show their age, and no one likes the guy who raises bunnies to eat. Lots of bunnies…

9. Nothing good is open at night…

Have you ever had a need for something in the middle of the night, but discovered to your chagrin that the local store was closed at eleven? I have. The fresh food markets don’t have fresh food at night. Deli’s are nearly always closed between 9pm and 6am (prime sunless hours). Yes, I know vampires don’t eat real food, but it’s still annoying. Other shops that aren’t food related are nearly always closed after 9pm too. As a “good vampire” you’d still need to go get standard clothing and household supplies. I guess you’d have to get everything delivered and make sure you heard them knocking from deep within your coffin. “Just leave it at the door, I’ll get it tonight.” “Ummm, sir, you have to sign for this.” You may be thinking of all night supermarkets, but I think Walmart would get old fast. If you’re a standard vampire all this worry is alleviated by killing others and stealing their lives, but that tends to expose one to criticism, and no one wants to be reminded that they are a soulless creature headed towards eternal damnation.

8. Shape-shifting into a bat is dumb…

I really should not need to explain this, but who do you know that likes bats? Besides, being able to fly isn’t really that cool if you have to turn into a flying rodent to do it. “Hey, baby, check this out. I can fly. Well, at least I can fly around in circles and get tangled in your hair.” Right. If you think vampires can fly or at least jump really far, you’ve gotten duped by some Hollywood or romanticized variant of the general myth regarding vampires. They aren’t superman. Flying takes wings. If your imaginary vampire has wings, then he better have the musculature to use them for more than decoration, or he’ll just be dragging around useless flaps of old skin. Though, a flying squirrel concept may work if the flier’s fashion allowed for it.

7. Shaving or putting on makeup is impossible…

That’s right; Have you tried shaving without the use of a mirror or put on makeup blind lately (don’t answer that if you’re blind and someone is reading this to you)? Theory is that they don’t show up in photographs either. That might make explaining your new “significant other” difficult to distant friends or family and facebooking that would make you look even more whacked out of your mind. “…this is me and Drake at the park. I wasn’t just throwing a Frisbee to myself in the park at midnight, I promise.”

6. Waiting for an invite can take forever…

Have you ever had a friend specifically say “please come in” lately? No one says that now. You’d look like a total tool standing on the doorstep all night waiting for an invite without explicitly stating it. Mind you, some friends may be cool with your vampirism, but others might consider your blood sucking antics as a minor threat. Beyond friends, you’d have to wait at every building’s doorstep for people to invite you in. It might be a little weird at random places of business or if no one’s around and it’s raining.

5. That craving never goes away…

So, you want to be a “good vampire” or have a friend who is. No matter what you (or they) do the craving for fresh human blood will always be haunting you. This could get a bit obnoxious when you’re running late and didn’t have time to grab breakfast or pack a lunch, and you’re riding a packed subway next to a large sweaty man. Sure you can’t stand the idea of it, but every time the train lurches you get a craving for his meaty throat.

4. Drinking blood gets lame fast…

Have you ever had to eat the same meal for an entire week because you had nothing else or no time to make anything? Drinking blood would be like that, only indefinitely, especially if you’re trying to be “good”. At least normal vampires have a variation of sources to develop tastes for, but “good” vampires have the same old bottled junk every day (or bunnies). And, come on, drinking blood doesn’t make you just a bit nauseous? …think bunnies.

3. It’s not a sin for people to kill you…

I know that’s saying it bluntly, but vampires are already considered “dead”. It’s not a sin to cut off a dead man’s head and stuff it with garlic cloves. It is weird, but not technically a “sin”. There isn’t a law against disposing of vampires either. That said, there would be a lot of people who thought they were doing the “right thing” by dropping a vampire. Luckily, there are only a few normal people who could follow through on the full procedure, so a vampire might not get totally killed allowing for the whole “turn into a bat and fly away” thing; but is it worth the risk?

2. Normal people hate you…

That’s right, we do. All vampires are bad and need to be dealt with. At least that’s what I’ve been told. The risk of being hunted and the feeling associated with the knowledge of this possibility makes people do crazy stuff. It’s like walking with people through grizzly territory or snorkeling in shark infested waters; people’s first response is fear, followed by hatred and loathing. Vampires can kill me. I don’t like that. I hate vampires. All Vampires must be destroyed. It’s a natural, non-romanticized reality response.

1. All of your friends die…

If you, as a vampire, are lucky enough to last the night without Joe the vampire hunter whacking you in your cozy coffin; then you’ll get to outlive everybody you tried to befriend during your “good vampire” years. If you are indeed immortal through the constant “stealingz of za life forcez” then you’ll live long past the point where you want to and by proxy get bored with life, unless you’re working on some amazing goal (like developing a reversing process for your vampire sub-self to become a souled human again).

Sorry, I told you being a vampire sux. I have to go to sleep now as I have stayed up well into the breaking dawn due to my accidental falling asleep way early yesterday afternoon. Good morning (a vampiristic way of saying good night).

About Jon Decker

Jon is on a Grand Adventure... life.
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3 Responses to Top 10 reasons why being a vampire sux.

  1. Ali says:

    This is friggin’ great! I LOVE #6!

  2. Jean says:

    So, can I have the bunny in the picture? Like, to keep? I’m in love.

  3. JonDecker says:

    Not if you’re a vampire…

    …must protectz ze bunniez.

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