The private story of this chicken specialist and his corporal existence was captained by a campaign of major misinformation regarding the origins of the Colonel’s chicken recipe in general.

Colonel Sanders, as he was known, was born in Indiana on September 9, 1890 to relative anonymity, but after wringing his father’s neck with his bare hands at the age of 5 his name was to be forever bound to the slaughter of the helpless. Just like the asteroid fragment, who’s discovery date shares his birth, that crashed to earth killing off a large selection of the prehistoric population, so too did the life of Harland Sanders impact history and affect a cataclysmic mutilation of the populace for all time.

At the age of 16 the future colonel enlisted in the army and began his planning for global domination. In his studies of yellow fever and it’s spread through mosquitoes, Harland began to lay plans for a future world take-over using animals to spread incurable diseases to primary government officials. Though the plan was never fully hatched, his later work was greatly bolstered by the inclusion of these studies to his nefarious campaign.

He had determined that the best vehicle for his hybrid yellow fever mind control disease was to marinate chicken in a secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices which included LSD, hybrid yellow fever derivative, and cocaine (just to name a few) before pressure frying it and serving it to gullible pedestrians. When he brainwashed the governor of Kentucky at age 45 into giving him an undeserved rank of colonel, Harland hatched his plan. He had amassed an army of slave minds and began calling himself “Colonel Sanders” in reference to his leadership of this secret army. In 1964 at the age of 74 the Colonel exacted his plan for global domination by charging into the world capitols on giant mutant chicken raptors and attempting to seize control utilizing his mastery of the slave minds; however, not all when to plan and the attack on Washington D.C. was thwarted by a vegetarian intern who had inadvertently locked the entrance to the capitol and was unaffected by the mind control attempts from the Colonel. After the summary dispatch of all mutant chickens or swarming mind-slaves, the incident was covered up by the CIA so they could study the secret mind control formula for their own evil purposes.

The great chicken attack of 1964 was stricken from the record books and the Colonel’s food chain, Kentucky Fried Chicken, was “bought out” by a front organization of the NSA. A later interview with Colonel Sanders revealed his feelings towards the government and their capture of his empire. He was quoted as yelling from his padded cell, “That friggin’ … outfit …. They prostituted every thing I had. I had the greatest gravy in the world, and those sons of ******* they dragged it out and extended it and wa­tered it down to *****.” By “gravy” he meant “plan for controlling the world” and by “watered it down” he meant “let Shirley MacLaine take over”.

The Colonel was killed by the new NSA pneumonia pill in December of 1980 after I was born and the world powers decided that the balance of power needed to be leveled to give the force of good a chance at all. In death his anger about the dissolution of the slave mind world domination plan has transformed itself into a curse that hangs about Japan killing anyone who unwittingly crosses its path.